Dispatches from the DOWN HOME DIVAS
#8 - The A-B-C’s of DHD . . . Fabu-lachia: 101
Berea College Pinnacle, September 5, 2012
In the words of legendary Down Home Diva Minnie Pearl (look her up), “HOOOOWWWWWDY! [We’re] just so proud to be here!”
Although we just do not have the time, energy or motivation this Sunday morning (our article was due quite a while ago), the Down Home Divas would like to extend a warm welcome to the incoming fresh-younguns and newcomers . . . and of course, our faithful fans. In the midst of this year’s many new beginnings, we have a very special family to welcome into our hearts. There’s a new Diva in town, honey, and she’s our First Lady Laurie Roelofs. We’re so glad she’s here and she even brought her husband Lyle along! In the whirlwind of these first days of the school year, our schedules are growing and the trials of college life have already crept upon us! But, alas, our dedication to our readers has us clinging to our coffee cups this weary morn, the iPhones have been set aside and Loretta’s love is the only thing pressing these fingers to the keyboard. Sit on down, honey and let’s have a little straight talk. Not.
Many of you holding this newspaper don’t know what a Down Home Diva is, though you surely know those among our ranks and may someday strive to join us. You don’t know what it means to be a Fabu-lachian, but it may be within you waiting to arise. You have some catching up to do. That’s why we’re here. Study the definitions at the end of this column.
Let’s talk about expectations.
The Eleven Commandments
Not from Moses, but from Mamaw
The Thou-Better-Nots and the Thou-Had-Better’s
1. Don’t get above your raising. Even among the shifting sands and changing winds of this place, always remember who you are and where you come from.
2. Thou had better NOT tear stuff up. Remember . . . this place is our home and it is now yours, so act like you have some raising and leave things better than you found them, whether it be your hall bathroom or your table in the Food Service.
3. Thou had better know that it is perfectly acceptable to break down and cry every now and then (it happens for us weekly . . . ok, daily). This is a stressful place, don’t we all know it, but we must press onward and we shall overcome. Honey, if you came here thinking you were perfect, you need to forget that shit. Onward and upward!
4. Thou had better take a shower and at least attempt to look decent before entering the campus community each morning. Pajamas are a no-no, simple as that.
5. Learn your A-B-C’s and respect diversity of color, creed, country and class (even those who don’t have any), and ESPECIALLY the GLBTQ community.
6. Thou had better keep it wild on Saturday but do your homework on Sunday and do it well. Remember that you are a gift to this place, but your schooling is a gift to you first and foremost.
7. Thou had better conserve energy for they are tearing up our mountains for your A/C and other luxuries. Also, have the decency to recycle.
8. Thou had better show up – to class, convocation, the coffeeshop and important campus events. You can sleep when you’re dead.
9. Thou had better know when to shut up and when to speak up. For example, one should speak loudly against injustice and always carry a joyful noise, just not where or when the Divas are trying to sleep. This also means listening to and respecting the older members of our community, the Mamaws and Papaws who can guide us along our way.
10. Thou had better not leave the house in the morning without these things in your pocketbook –
A song of strength for moments of weakness, an open hand for a new friend, and honest thanks for what you have been given.
11. And for the eleventh commandment, the Platinum Rule, which is really a demand (because we deserve another),
Thou had better read the scripture of the Down Home Divas and distribute it amongst your friends and relations.
Whether you’re new to this place, new to the Dispatches, or a bona-fide, dyed in the wool Diva, we’re glad to have you back home on Berea’s hill. Some of you may remember our past writings concerning the “Front Porch of Togetherness,” a place where Divas from all walks of life can share fellowship, gossip and beauty secrets. This is our invitation to you, come on by! We’d be happy to have you anytime, whoever you are.
Essential Vocabulary (The Trinity)
Down Home Diva (dau̇n ˈhōm ˈdē-və) proper noun, abbrev. DHD – a confident, strong willed, and often outspoken individual who is shamelessly proud of their heritage and uses his/her gifts for the greater good. The DHD is often a self reliant, loud, frustrated, inspirational, high-powered, larger-than-life sort of figure. Though the DHD always keeps everyone’s best interests at heart, she is often well versed in the art of “talking bad about people” and is either gay or a gay magnet. The Down Home Diva is frequently Appalachian or Southern, but DHD’s come in all sizes, creeds, colors, faiths and “from’s.”
Fabu-lachian (ˈfa-byə -ˈlā-ch-ən) proper noun, adjective – fabulous and Appalachian, a term used by the country queer community to embrace sexuality and heritage as one.
Loretta (low-reh-tuh[ty]) Holy noun
1. referring to Loretta Lynn, country music queen, mountain matriarch and our beacon amid the darkness, otherwise known as Our Lady of Butcher Holler.
2. referring to Loretta Reynolds, Ph.D., Berea College chaplain, professor and influential mentor to the masses. The name Loretta is used interchangeably between these meanings in our Dispatches.
