Dispatches from the DOWN HOME DIVAS

 

#4 Loretta, Lent and LOSING OUR MINDS! Berea College Pinnacle, February 29, 2012

Loretta, our Mother, who art in the coalfields, HELP US GET THIS COLUMN WRITTEN SO WE CAN MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES! Holler deep and world-wide may thy songs be sung, thy will BETTER BE done, in Berea as it is in Butcher Holler. Give us this day a sweet song to soften our struggles, and forgive us our overextended schedules (which lead to writing this article several days past its deadline), as we forgive those who are really sort of a problem (you know who you are). Lead us not from thy tender embrace, but deliver us from Taylor Swift for thine is the ridgetop, the beauty shop, (and the bourbon polished off!) and our redemption forever.

And all God’s Fabu-lachians said, “Amen, children.”

Well, you all, it’s been an emotional week. Ms. Hamblin has made it back to Gays Creek after a perilous flight back from Cancun, tears streamed down the Divas’ faces like Troublesome Creek at the world premiere of Silas House’s This is My Heart For You, Ms. Gleaves stepped off the Berea College Bluegrass Ensemble’s tour bus straight into a four hour recording studio session, and Ms. Hamblin nearly ran over several of Berea’s innocent citizens while speeding recklessly down Main Street, frantically late for a photo shoot. In the midst of all this fabulous havoc, we reckon that Lent has begun, since Ethan found the little plastic baby in the King’s cake this past week, and if this is so, you know what that means! The time has come for the Divas to decide what sacrifice we will be making, what vices we will give up to honor the matriarchs who have gone before us, the Divas who continue to lend inspiration and, of course . . . Loretta. Homage must be paid.

This has been a topic of some rather tense debate. After deciding we just couldn’t bear to give up gratuitous cursing and a list of other no-no’s, we thought over a wealth of possibilities for potential Lent sacrifices – bashing “cutting edge hairstyles” in public, violating BC visitation policy, sinful trips to the tanning bed, the Facebook, inappropriate drunk dials at all hours of the weekend, and watching nightly episodes of Designing Women. What’s a Diva to do? On top of the perpetually sinking ships that make up our daily lives, can we really bear to give these things up? We’re suspicious. Without all these foolish things to occupy our time, will we be forced to . . . study? Actually DO our suite duty? Attend labor meeting, or even worse, suffer through more than seven convocations?

After some fervent prayers thrown up to Our Lady of the Coalfields, we’re nearing a decision.

Ethan has given up desserts, and you’uns had better pray, ‘cause anybody that comes between that Diva and the Dairy Queen on Easter Sunday has taken their life into their own hands. Lord-Have-Mercy-Jesus (© Bill Turner, used with permission) just today, he turned down a brownie, a cupcake, a chocolate chip cookie, and a Nutter Butter milkshake at the London Steak and Shake. However would he manage to survive one of those windy SGA meetings (cool breeze!), or a four-hour choir rehearsal without thinking about the sweet relief that could be found in a luscious slice of Geraldine’s red velvet cake. How can he ever bear watching Sister Sam light into slices of Pecan Pie or scones at the BC&T? He might as well walk over hell with a broken high heel.

Sam’s journey toward the Lent solution was a little more rocky; what can he possibly give up when virtually his entire life consists of vices? Maybe the answer is to not give up, but to take on - adopt a new life practice that will pull him from the Honky Tonk countertop to the foot of the cross. After much consideration, Sam has decided to find a nonsexual connection with his fellow man, a genuine love for the heterosexual kind. That’s right you all, that means actually talking to straight men as equals. He will attempt to find common ground with those who are most different from him, people who turn up their noses as if Country Music is beneath them, those unfortunate souls who stumble into class in their pajamas, and even the members of the Berea College baseball team. He’s probably going to stop rolling his eyes and dropping the word, “heteronormative” in pleasant conversation. We are talking a shift from Oxygen to ESPN, from NPR to Fox News, from Southern Living (have you seen the new Paula Deen spread?), to Sports Illustrated.

Without their usual coping mechanisms, there’s no telling where the Divas will gather the strength to carry on. Stay tuned for our biweekly updates as we venture into uncharted territory, a world without thousand calorie sweet surrenders, and long avoided conversations with the heterosexual machismo contingent on campus. What will prove entertaining for you, our devoted readers, will be nothing less than difficult for us, most likely resulting in nightly high-pitched, country outbursts of frustration. It’s all we can do to hope that our laptops don’t get busted in the crossfire, that our roommates don’t meet a flying coffee cup in the early morning hours, and that we don’t hit the open road and return to the Motherland for an extended leave of absence. In this our time of trial, we are hoping that the Judds’ words prove true, and that love really can “build a bridge,” ‘cause, honey if it can’t, we’re up you-know-which creek without a paddle!