Dispatches from the DOWN HOME DIVAS

 

Dispatch #14 - A Statement  of Support for the Purchase of a Dolly Parton Pinball Machine

Berea College Pinnacle, February 7, 2013

Friends, last week we were tickled to hear that some of our college administration had convened on a very special purpose, to decide on a purchase that would have a tremendous impact on our educational community. This item, if bought and brought to our campus, could change everything. Life as we all know it would be a faint memory and a new Fabu-lachian day would dawn, beginning the next great era of Country Queerdom. Below you can read our letter of support, encouraging the powers that be to buy the mystery item.

If they do, warm biscuits will rain down from hillbilly heaven and we'll all kneel to drink from the brimful streams of homemade wine. If they don't buy it, shame on them and whoever didn't raise them right.

To Whom It May Concern:

It is with utmost concern that we write you at this great crossroads in the history of our fair institution, the Loyal Jones Appalachian Center.
It has come to our attention that a Dolly Parton pinball machine has come within our grasp, that the college may purchase an illustrious monument to the greatness of Tennessee's most beloved songbird. We, the Down Home Divas would like to present our reasoning as to why the purchase of this pinball machine contributes to our values and beliefs, the sure benefits we will reap and the potential consequences we may encounter should we not take advantage of this critically important opportunity.

I. Considering the massive impact Parton has made on the American economy in the past sixty years, she is probably a contributor to our diverse body of endowments supporting Berea College. Buying the Dolly pinball machine is an ethical, sustainable and just investment.

II. It is believed by many that Parton possesses supernatural powers. Depending on your beliefs concerning her plastic surgery, she may also be the first Appalachian to have successfully risen from the dead / evaded the appearance of age. Should we not purchase the pinball machine, we will incur her wrath which may include glitter tornados or a plague under which large masses begin to develop on the chests of all the human race.

III. The Down Home Divas will assure that the pinball machine's arrival is a positive promotional opportunity for the Loyal Jones Appalachian Center and will be happy to host a reception in its honor.

IV. A pinball machine would introduce many academics to the concept of "fun," which they may want to pursue further.

V. Parton, as one of Appalachia's best known ambassadors, deserves a place of honor in our Appalachian Center.

Thanks for your consideration.

Sincerely,

The Down Home Divas

(We don't need a fancy email signature because it would barely fit down here and everyone knows we run this campus anyway).