Dispatches from the DOWN HOME DIVAS
Dispatch 13 -
All We Want For Christmas is Some D-H-D!
Berea College Pinnacle, November 15, 2013
We’d like to dedicate this special Dispatch to our gurrrrrrrl and devoted editor, that most highly exalted African Queen worthy of high praises and fine jewels, the supporting pillar without which Berea College would have no newspaper, the bosom we rest our weary heads upon to weep our troubles away, Miss Winnifred “Call Me Winnie” Arthur.
Okay, back to us. Here’s what we want for Christmas! (cc’ Laurie Roelofs, Gail Wolford, President Barack Obama, Jesus Christ, the director of the Lifetime TV Network, the editors of Southern Living Magazine and whoever will give us a record deal).
‘Twas the column before Christmas
And all ‘cross the quad.
Not a damn was there given . . .
Ok, whatever, here’s the list:
A personal golf cart, purple in color, bedazzled, complete with leopard print upholstery, pink streamers, a nice banner with our names on it and some nice looking country boy to drive us around (attn. Ag. Department).
A reality television show to be broadcast on Lifetime, Television for Women.
Two personal assistants willing to devote their lives to the mission of the Down Home Divas, i.e. assisting in our scheduling, preparing coffee, occasionally acting as our proxies in meetings, taking phone calls, keeping our fans at a distance, etc. Must be an experienced baker, makeup artist, hairdresser and trustworthy gossip vessel.
(A nice 10 hour labor position, don’t you think, Gail?)
A harem of attractive, relatively silent men to be penned in the bottom floor of Danforth Hall.
No more mountaintop removal mining or gay hating in the Appalachian region or the world in general.
A closet stocked with outfits suitable for our performances, including “movie suits,” satin ballgowns, Pointer brand overalls, white fur coats and items from the Coldwater Creek catalog.
Control of the weather, also the ability to see the future.
A pink Cadillac limousine, complete with a full backseat bar and WiFi access.
Honorary doctorates from Berea College for our unprecedented achievements in the field of Fabu-lachian Studies, complete with a gingham sash and a building named after us.
A designated table at Dining Services, in sight of the ridge, with a floral tablecloth and an attendant to fan our glistening foreheads.
Our own primetime TV special, the 1st Annual Down Home Divas’ De’ggie Awards, including twenty gold plated award tokens (we’re thinking little deviled eggs on sticks, wouldn’t that be nice?)
Our own line of cookware and kitchen accessories (you know, little dish towels and all?), co-produced and marketed by Southern Living.
Like, world peace.
Maybe we can make it through the year without security guards and a private jet, it’ll sure be tough. We’ll just pack our own guns like Miranda Lambert. Hell, if we got everything we wanted, we’d be in Gatlinburg, not bothering with this column.
That’s all for now, folks, enjoy these photos from a very special, star-studded Down Home Diva Hallerween. In case you find yourself wondering, Ethan is dressed as Olivia Newton John in her 1977 hit music video “Let’s Get Physical,” and Sam is dressed up as the “talk of the town,” you know, the woman who’s always trying to get with the preacher after the fellowship supper. ‘Til next time, find somebody to love up on, get your homework done, and stay festive!
The DHDs stand beside the powerful women of Berea College Dining Services.
The DHDs with the Queen of Berea Dining Services, Ms. Pat (who appears here as Minnie Pearl).
